When we are in the throes of the hardest situations, it is challenging to see a way through. Some obstacles seem insurmountable, but I truly believe there is a light at the end of every dark tunnel. The real challenge is finding it. Again, we have no control of all our situations, but we can choose to seek out the good or find solutions to get out of the darkness.
During my first marriage, times were very difficult. I don’t want to go into too many details or talk badly about anyone, so I will sum it up by saying things were very strained and complicated. My ex-husband really didn’t want to work or keep a job, always begging from Peter to pay Paul. This put a huge strain on our family. He was always looking for a business deal to “make it big.” In the meantime, we were asking the church to help cover rent and utilities or going to the food bank for a meal.
At one particularly low point, we were living in a dumpy old house my cousin owned. Not being able to pay the $1000 a month rent was embarrassing and put an emotional strain on family relationships. We had only 3 kids at the time, Jeran, Cam and Alex who were 9, 3, and 2. I had always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom because I believed it was important to be there to raise my own kids, but since my ex refused to get a job because it was beneath him, I decided I would have to be the breadwinner. Unfortunately, Tim did not agree with my logic that at least one of us would have to work.
I started looking for work, but finding something that would even pay the bills was challenging as I had not finished college nor did I have any specific training. Our one and only car was not very reliable and Tim did not agree that I should be able to take the car to look for a job because he might need it to score the big deal. It became a huge argument between us. He said things to me to push my guilt buttons that I was a horrible person for leaving my children and I would never be able to get a good enough job anyway.
I felt helpless and defeated. If I started to work, I could not be there for my children. If I stayed home, I could not feed or clothe my children. If I worked, my husband would be mad at me and treat me badly. My family would suffer no matter what I did. My parents and siblings had no respect for me or Tim. I knew they wanted me to divorce him, I wanted that secretly, too. But the more I knew they felt that way, the more I felt I was the only one who would love him and could protect him. I felt I had no way out.
At one particularly dark point, with many other factors playing in, I saw the only way out was to end my life. I wrote letters to each of my children to explain how none of this was their fault and how much I loved them. I would give anything to be a better mother, a better wife, and a better daughter. I explained how I could not make anything right and how they would be better off without me. After finishing the letters and sitting alone in the darkness of my room, I had clarity. One small thought: “this was not the answer.” This would solve nothing for my children. The tunnel I was in seemed to go on forever and there was no light in it at all, but suddenly I realized that was not true. My children were the light. My amazing, adorable, bright, innocent, beautiful children were the greatest light in my life. I could never do anything to hurt them on purpose. Not only that, but I would do everything I could to protect them and care for them. My children saved my life that night.
I do not know what your “saving light” is or will be, but I do know that when the tunnel seems dark and long, there is a light. No tunnel goes forever. Existing in the darkness is temporary as long as we continue to search for the light in it. You must search for the light and when you find it, you must hold to it. You must let it guide you through and give you strength. This goes right along with remembering who you are. You are stronger than you know and braver than you think. Get up out of the darkness and start searching for the light.