From the moment I laid eyes on each of my children, I was hopelessly in love. Like most parents, I wondered where this life would take them and what they would turn out like; more specifically, who they would be?
It seemed they each had a distinct personality right from the beginning. Even as babies, Jeran was strong-willed, Cam was sensitive, Alex was independent, Alyssa was sparkly, Sabrina was insightful, Maygan was assertive and Abby was contemplative. Kevin says Laura was a performer, Cameron A was energetic, Sara was inquisitive, Connor was pensive, and Liz was a peacemaker.
For instance, when Cam was a baby, he would only go to bed if I rocked him to sleep and then carefully laid him down, snuggled up with his blanket and binky. When Alex was born, she did not want to snuggle at all, but was very clear when she wanted to go to bed, so she would cry until I laid her in her crib. She would hold my finger for a few minutes and then fall asleep, on her terms. Alyssa drew the attention of strangers with her bright blue eyes. People would stop me in aisles just to take in her smile. Sabrina’s humor and wit started at a very young age. She would make comments constantly that would just crack me up, especially when I was feeling low. Liz has a sense of fairness for all and often comes to the defense of others. Sara still asks questions and has found herself many times in deep conversations with her dad that started from a simple prompting. Obviously, everyone has grown up, but there have always been core traits to who they are.
I have always been an overly sensitive soul, I cried at the drop of a hat, sometimes for no reason at all it seemed. I hated this about myself as I got older. It was embarrassing. Even if I was angry, I cried; this made me feel weak and ineffective. To me, it felt as though the world viewed me as a big baby. It didn’t help that my older brother teased me relentlessly about this very thing. As a young girl, if we were watching a family movie together and there was a sad part (i.e., Bambi, where his mother gets shot), my brother would turn to me and say, “what? Are you gonna cry? Huh? Are you gonna cry like a little baby?” Which of course, embarrassed and angered me, so I cried even more.
While I was a student doing my clinical rotations, there was a patient who was only 17. He had been skateboarding with his friends and was hit by a car while crossing in a crosswalk, causing a traumatic brain injury. His mother had been by his bed side every day, vigilantly, for months. His room was decorated with his class pictures, school dances, his prom date, and all of his friends. His art work was hanging around the room. He had dreams of a bright future with the world at his doorstep. All that had been taken away in one bad decision of another person.
I went into the room and it was overwhelming; this was a young man the same age as my son. The patient’s mother sat there at the bedside hoping for some good news, hoping to hear her son would wake up and go back to life as they had known it; but it was not to be. He did not wake up, not once, not ever again. I tried so hard to keep it together, hold back my emotions, but I could not even speak; my heart was in my throat and I started to cry in the room, I could not hold back the tears. I knew I wasn’t supposed to do this…I am the nurse that is supposed to provide caring support and hope, this wasn’t about ME, it was not MY loss. I had to step out of the room and one of the other nurses told me to take a moment.
This was the first time I lost control of my emotions in front of a patient and it wouldn’t be the last; although, after this, I worked diligently to harden myself from feeling anything so I would not be a weak and pathetic nurse who cried in front of her patients. It was awful. I felt awful. I tried to be so hardcore and I was not being true to myself. Other people were cheated by my hardness, especially my kids. Hardening myself at work meant I was suppressing my emotions in other aspects of my life.
I started to hate myself for being weak and hated myself for being cold. It was thanks to my friend, another nurse I worked with, who showed me it was okay to have emotions with my patients, it meant I was human. Eventually, I realized that my empathy was not a curse but a gift. It was my talent, my innate gift, and this made it a part of what I had to give to others. It turned from being the thing I pretended I didn’t have to the thing that made me a more compassionate caregiver and healthcare provider. My gift allowed me to connect with patients to build trust and respect, but I had to accept who I was and be true to it..
It is important to be true to yourself. Be true to who you are and who you want to be. You have a gift, an inborn talent, as it were. Do not hide it from the world, but put it atop the mountain to shine and act as a beacon to others. You are amazing and unique. Find out the talents and gifts that are specific to you. Don’t ever bury them so others can’t see them. If you are true to yourself, I believe you will find acceptance and love at a level you did not believe possible. Others will see who you truly are; the ones worth keeping in your life will accept you fully.
