Cam was 12 years old and said, “hey mom, you gotta sec?” Sabrina, who was about 6, said, “of course she does, mom has lots of secs.” If only that were true…but time is fleeting, fickle even. Who really knows how much of it we have?
I remember being about 10 years old and feeling like I was so grown up. I was bigger than most of my peers and people often thought I was older. It became sort of a theme throughout my childhood to look and believe I was older and more “mature” than I really was. It got me into some trouble through my teen years as it was often older men that seemed to find me attractive. At least that is how I saw it. When I was 13, I couldn’t wait to be 16 so I could drive and date. When I was 16, I couldn’t wait to be 18, so I could be an “adult” and make decisions for myself. When I was 18, I couldn’t wait to be 21, so I would officially not be a minor and would have full independence. I spent my childhood wishing it would go by faster so I could finally be happy at the next level. I wasted my time by wishing my life away.
Now, of course, I look back and see how quickly it all went by. Time was all I had. It is all I have now at this moment. Not yesterday, not tomorrow. This moment. This second. A second is a just a blip in time. Is it enough to do all we would like to do; to accomplish all the goals we set for ourself? Of course not. There will never be enough “secs” in our lifetime.
In 2019, my dad was admitted to the hospital with sepsis. Before that, he had been battling lymphoma and prostate cancer for many years and was actually doing pretty well. Unfortunately, the prostate cancer had metastasized to the bones and I knew this was not a good sign. About 6 months before he was admitted, Abby started bringing up conversations about death and dying. She was about 5 at the time. I mentioned to Kevin that I was worried she had all these questions. Kevin replied, with tears in his eyes, “maybe she is being prepared for your dad to pass.” This made me a little angry. Maybe not angry. Maybe scared is a better word. I was not ready for my dad to die. He had time! He was doing well with his treatments. There was still too much to do, to see, to say. The time we had had was not enough. I dismissed this suggestion from my husband as I did not want to believe that could be true.
A few months later, my dad had a sinus infection and had been put on several different antibiotics, one after another. Then he was complaining of diarrhea; a lot of diarrheas. I was at my parents’ house as he explained how he was feeling and my parents had questions about what to do, since I am the healthcare provider in the family. “Dad, you need to get checked for c.diff. You were on all these antibiotics, especially Augmentin, and now you have diarrhea. You could have an infection in your gut that is very dangerous and even deadly.” So, they vowed to get checked out by their primary care doctor. Two months later and he still had diarrhea, never having been tested or treated properly from their PCP, and my dad ends up in the hospital with weakness and dehydration. Less than a month later, my dad is readmitted to the hospital for the last time with sepsis.
I knew it was the end. I wasn’t ready. Where had all the time gone? Where had all the endless moments disappeared to? How was it the seconds which seemed to linger forever when I was a child were now gone in an instant? My dad deteriorated quickly in the hospital. Each day he declined and could not make up the deficits. Before he slipped into unconsciousness, I was in the room with him and my mother. I had begged his doctor to come do a neuro check, as I saw his decline. The doctor pointed at my mother, asking if he knew who she was. He smiled sweetly with tears in his eyes and nodded, speaking her name with all his love. The doctor pointed at me and asked the same question. He smiled and said, “that’s my daughter, Vanessa.” Then he closed his eyes and went for a head CT. He was not lucid again.
There is no way to go back in time and get some of those moments back. Each moment has come and gone. Each second, some which seemed to last forever, was gone in a flash. So, what’s the point? Don’t waste one second. Don’t waste time lamenting about disagreements or angers or fears. Obviously, there will be good, bad, boring, and seemingly insignificant moments. But, seize the seconds of your life, savor them, each and every one. None of us can know how many seconds we will get. They cannot be squandered. They cannot be taken for granted.
Enjoy all the “secs” of your life.